An Irish Letter

Dear Pat,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I k now you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we move d. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Irish family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Mary said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle Sean fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!" 

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"