Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?
I loved her with an uncontrollable passion.
We normally spend our lives simply existing. But occasionally something happens which wakes us up and makes us feel alive.
Her name was Ann-Marie, a tall, dark-haired, brown-eyed beauty from France. I respectfully admired her from a distance while she was going out with my best friend, but when they broke up I opened my arms to her and gave her my shoulder to cry on. We became a couple and rented a flat together near the sea.
I remember the look on her face when we made/were making love. Her spirituality took her to a far away place. A place where only pleasure existed. She seemed to leave her body and fly away to play with the angels. I had never known such pure intensity before. I have never been loved with such passion by anyone since.
Plans were made, money was saved and possessions were sold. We bought plane tickets for Paris. The night before we were due to leave she told me about Sean, my close friend. “ I’ve been sleeping with him for three weeks”, she told me. “ But he’s going to live in America, and if I go with him, I’ll regret it. My future is with you.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I watched the hours pass on the clock next to the bed. In the morning the phone rang while we were having breakfast. It was Sean. “ I want to say goodbye before you leave”, he said. “….and I want to apologize.”
“Our plane leaves at 9.30 Sean, I have to go”, I replied coldly. “I can’t forgive you Sean, you know why, don’t you? If I were you, I’d learn how to be a good friend. You’re a selfish, self-centred bastard, Sean!” I hung up the phone.
Ann-Marie and I packed our lives in two large boxes and shipped them to Marseilles. We arrived at the airport just as our flight was being called. “Last call for Air France flight AF404 to Paris, now boarding at gate number 15.”
People often look for love and are unhappy when it doesn’t come. They think it will make/makes/is going to make them complete. It does, for a while, but it doesn’t last/won’t last. Nothing lasts. We started arguing. There was no trust in our relationship. The laughter and affection that we used to have was replaced/had been replaced by jealousy and suspicion. Money became a problem. She was bored and unemployed, I was drinking too much. We fought, shouted, accused and searched for the love we had lost a long time ago in a different country. Eventually we said goodbye. She needed medical help to get her life together. I needed to be alone, to think, to lose myself in work and save money for a fresh start.
It was a long time ago. I hope that Ann-Marie and Sean are both happy. I am more careful now when I wish for things, just in case I get what I wish for.
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