|Please note that the Bank of Ireland is installing a new Drive-Thru Cash
Point Machine in Dublin.
Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (ie male or female), and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
1. DRIVE UP TO THE CASH MACHINE
2. WIND DOWN YOUR CAR WINDOW
3. INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE AND ENTER PIN
4. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED AND WITHDRAW
5. RETRIEVE CARD, CASH AND RECEIPT
6. WIND UP WINDOW
7. DRIVE OFF
1. DRIVE UP TO CASH MACHINE
2. REVERSE BACK THE REQUIRED AMOUNT TO ALIGN CAR WINDOW TO MACHINE
3. RE-START THE STALLED ENGINE
4. WIND DOWN THE WINDOW
5. FIND HANDBAG, REMOVE ALL CONTENTS ONTO PASSENGER SEAT TO LOCATE CARD
6. TURN DOWN THE RADIO
7. ATTEMPT TO INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE
8. OPEN CAR DOOR TO ALLOW EASIER ACCESS TO MACHINE DUE TO ITS EXCESSIVE DISTANCE FROM THE CAR
9. INSERT CARD
10. RE-INSERT CARD THE RIGHT WAY UP
11. RE-ENTER HANDBAG TO FIND DIARY WITH YOUR PIN WRITTEN ON BACK PAGE OF YOUR ADDRESS BOOK
12. ENTER PIN
13. PRESS CANCEL AND RE-ENTER CORRECT PIN
14. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED
15. CHECK MAKE-UP IN REAR VIEW MIRROR
16. RETRIEVE CASH AND RECEIPT
17. EMPTY HANDBAG AGAIN TO LOCATE PURSE AND PLACE CASH INSIDE
18. PLACE RECEIPT IN BACK OF CHEQUE BOOK
19. RE-CHECK MAKE-UP AGAIN
20. DRIVE FORWARD 2 METRES
21. REVERSE BACK TO MACHINE
22. RETRIEVE CARD
23. RE-EMPTY HANDBAG, LOCATE CARD HOLDER AND PLACE CARD INTO THE SLOT PROVIDED
24. RE-START STALLED ENGINE AND PULL AWAY
25. DRIVE FOR 2 - 3 MILES ........ RELEASE HANDBRAKE
Examination Paper on SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions.
Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a
chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:
a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare
and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it.
Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists
are fat, ugly lesbians.
or Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at
your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend.
a) White Water Shafting
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered
"art-house" rather than pornographic.
5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart
and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3 . On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy
old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.
5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"
So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be woman.
God said, "This person will:
Gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you.
She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him..... Is he still wrong?
In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God Nor Man has rested.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your penis
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before. Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture!
A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he received 100 responses. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
In any argument with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against thousands of hers!
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you." He says, "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets!
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake
Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? Because it does, alright!?!?
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
How do you keep a woman from wanting sex? Marry her.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
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