couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage
counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part.
Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half?
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the
living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a
Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on
him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had
long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We
hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's
once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my
husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule
stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and
quietly said 'That's once.'"
buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You
know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the
engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my
wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say,
'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied.
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was
still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder
so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a
lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't
you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is
up on a ladder painting the house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his
wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to
watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife
meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them
enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit
nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
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