5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
"Is ANYTHING all right?"
Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:-
“They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. "Force Yourself",
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish Man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's ‘Running Water’" and you have to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom"
"I already do," says the mother. "Just call me ‘Sitting Shiva’"
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been veryweak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
* The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
Jewish view on when life begins:
There's a big controversy on when life
begins. In Jewish tradition the foetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Jewish Telegram :- "Begin worrying. Details to follow”
A young hotshot gets a job with the Inland Revenue.
His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi. He thinks he'll have a
little fun with the old man.
He enquires, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the
The Rabbi replies, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in
a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And Rabbi, what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The Rabbi says, "We send them to the matzah ball factory, and every once
in a while they send us a free box of matzah balls."
The yuppie goes on, "And what do you do with the foreskins from all your
The Rabbi responds,
"We send them to the Inland Revenue, and every once in a while they send
us a little Prick like you."
Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk.
"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor. "Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help." So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"
"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.
"is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"
"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.
"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly. Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little biscuit?"
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her
depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mamma! I have someone for you to
meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. (and we know what that meant!) Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black
lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit.....except that he has
an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's this...a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to pay a shiva call."
A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the
Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity.
Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said,
"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."
The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued
steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him
standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over
the meat, saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"
Subject: 27 Jewish Rules
For those of you who are Jewish, you can relate. For those of you who would either like to convert, or to understand us better, I have
enclosed Aunt Selma's 27 rules for Jewish Living...
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Guilt is critical to your existence.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult.
This usually happens around age 45.
An old Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through
assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper.
Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much
An 80 year old man hobbles into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren.
Last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with both of them ....twice."
The priest said, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!? Then, why are you telling me?", asks the priest.
"Telling you?....I'm telling everybody", says the man
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